Scared

I am very afraid of what is going on inside my body right now.

I was diagnosed with MS or Multiple Sclerosis on December 21st, 2011 and at the time felt relief in that diagnosis. My mind was thinking words like 'cancer' and 'tumor' when I was first shown the "lesions" on the MRI scan. One larger one on my lower spine and about five tiny ones on my brain. So to hear that I was not dying but had a disease (or is it condition or syndrome?...I haven't really studied it that much yet.) that was very much treatable...though it meant sticking myself with a needle everyday for the rest of my life...I took a huge mental sigh of relief. I was told that it would be ok to continue to nurse my baby and hold off going on a treatment because women with MS are known to keep the symptoms at bay while pregnant and then nursing. So over time I started to make myself believe that I probably really don't have MS...that maybe the lesion on my spine (which would be the one causing the numbness in my feet and backs of my legs) was caused from having three epidurals and subsequently three blood patches to stop spinal headaches after two of those epidurals...not to mention that when I was about 14 or so my cousin pulled my legs out from under me and I landed very hard on my tailbone and have not been able to sit on the floor for any length of time since. I convinced myself that it was a combination of these things and my excess weight that was resulting in the numbness that I was experiencing now. I guess I just didn't want to believe that I really had a disease that would be with me for the rest of my life that could (but WILL NOT) render me physically and/or mentally disabled.

I'm afraid that I can kid myself no longer.

For the last week or so I have had increased numbness in my feet and when wiping after going to the bathroom (sorry for the TMI) I noticed that I am also numb in my groin and rear end areas up to my tailbone. I am not 100% sure because, like I said, I have not studied up on MS much (although I have a stack of books from the library about the disease just sitting here) but I'm pretty sure that the numbness is the result of an MS "attack".

Aside from the fear this realization brings I'm also thinking "WHAT? NOW I HAVE AN ATTACK!!! JUST WHEN I START TO GET OFF MY ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY WEIGHT AND HEALTH!!!" So today I put in a call to my neurologist. I have an appointment with him two weeks from yesterday, but I wanted to know if my sudden increase in physical activity could have contributed to my having this attack and if I should scale back (which I already have somewhat, which if you've been following along, you know) on the amount of exercise I am doing. I do know from the little I have read on MS that exercise is suppose to be good for keeping the disease at bay, but maybe I overdid it going from no exercise at all to 5-6 days of exercise a week. He's out of the office until Monday so I won't get an answer until then.

So its looking like I am going to have to wean Isabel soon, rather than letting her decide when we're done because I really should start treatment...which I'm not looking forward to since it means injecting myself everyday for the rest of my life...but while the thought of not nursing saddens me because Isabel is going to be my last child...the thought of not being able to play with my kids because I'm unable to walk or think clearly is much worse. Therefore I will do what I need to do to be there for my family.